Thursday 31 July 2014

40 Years - and being fellow travellers

We're having a few quiet days after a wonderful weekend celebrating our Ruby Wedding. It does feel like a journey, in the company of many fellow travellers who have accompanied us along the way. We're so grateful for many family and friends who have done so. I'm also mindful of the fact that in the Bible, the number 40 has a special significance: 40 years in the desert before the people of Israel reached their promised land; 40 days in the wilderness before Jesus began his public ministry. I have a sense of looking forward as well as back as we pass this milestone.

Yesterday, as a late birthday present for me, Les and I went on a steam train excursion on the Settle-Carlisle line. It began in Lancaster, so we had to travel by train there first. Excluding the two hours or so we had in Carlisle, we spent altogether 14 hours on trains! We are not particularly experienced travellers, and I feel we still have to learn some protocols about travelling with strangers. We found ourselves opposite a very pleasant couple for 12 hours altogether! Fortunately, we were reasonably compatible,  being of about the same age, and for him it was also a birthday present from his wife. I find it difficult to know how to engage in such situations. I'm aware that in a sense we are all captives to each other, thrown together randomly, so one does not wish to intrude. However, you can hardly not converse when you have so long together. So, how much do you share of your own life, without boring the other? And what is it appropriate to ask of the others, without being intrusive? Looking back, I could probably have risked more engagement.

Anyway, it was a fantastic day and the weather was good for the most part. The views were amazing. We marvelled at the enterprise, skill, ingenuity and labour of our Victorian ancestors in building that line and developing rail travel. Also, at the skill of yesterday's drivers controlling that great beast which hauled our train literally up hill and down dale, without the benefit of today's electronic comforts and safety devices.



We felt a bit like royalty at times, as all along the route, people had gathered to wave, or looked out of their bedroom windows, obviously ready for these weekly excursions.

The journey included the town of Appleby where we spent our honeymoon 40 years ago!




Thursday 10 July 2014

Asking the Right Question (2)

Last week, I spent 2 days at a diocesan training event on 'coaching'. It was extremely helpful and enjoyable. As always with these occasions, it is the company as well as the input that one appreciates. I met up with some old friends, and got acquainted with new ones. Since coaching/mentoring (all depends on your definition) is something I hope to offer in retirement, this was of special interest to me.

If you're interested, the difference between coaching and mentoring is that the former is a skill requiring no necessary knowledge of the business of the person you are assisting. There is a great story of some Swiss skiing coaches who, during the summer months, found themselves coaching tennis players. Their 'coachees' progressed better and faster than those being coached by tennis players! The reason was that, starting from a position of relative ignorance about tennis, they got inside the mind and game of the person they were assisting with no presuppositions of how it was supposed to be done, based on their own game.

A mentor, on the other hand, is a seasoned 'expert' on the subject in hand, and is basically passing on his or her own knowledge and experience. Did you know (I didn't) that Mentor was actually a character in classical literature? In The Odyssey, Odysseus entrusts his son Telemachus to the elderly Mentor to tutor him while he goes away to war. This is a different skill, requiring the imparting of knowledge,whereas coaching is more about asking the right questions. Though, of course, the good mentor will also apply coaching skills - not seeing their mentee as merely an empty vessel to fill.

Incidentally, I noticed during Wimbledon that some top players are now 'coached' by successful retired players. Surely that should be 'mentored'?

So we are back to asking the right questions! - this time, for the assistance of another person. On the course, we practised this and it really is a skill to be learned. Like most clergy, I guess, I am more likely to try and give someone the 'answer' rather than help them work it out for themself. For example, a friend of mine was telling me recently that he had been assisting a church member who struggled with low self-esteem. She was afraid to attempt anything new, for fear of messing it up. He asked her, 'What would you do if you were guaranteed not to fail?' What a great question for helping someone discover their giftedness! It was a transforming moment in the life of that person, and a whole new work began in that church.

The day after the course, Les and I were talking over breakfast. She was trying to resolve a particular difficulty. Having reached a decision, she suddenly turned to me and said 'Were you coaching me just then?!' Well, it was good practice!!